…A Five Mile Wide UFO Started Hovering Over London?
“To date, no UFO report has revealed any evidence of a potential threat to the UK,” the MoD tells FHM, “but we’d react to any potential threat.” Exactly how we’d obliterate ET is a secret, but if it did kick off, government departments have a myriad “resilience strategies” to deal with evacuation, casualty management, calling Will Smith and so forth. (See www.ukresilience.info/contingencies/workstreams.htm)
…All The Multinationals Went, ‘Oh, Go On Then: Let’s Scrap Third World Debt’?
According to the Jubilee Debt Campaign, Third World debt currently stand at £19bm, the UK share of which is £1.3bn. Oxfam spokesman Ben Phillips points out that if just half of the windfall were spent wisely, the money generated would, “Prevent eight million child deaths, get 63 million kids into school, and provide water for 210 million people.” Cancelling our wedge of the wodge would cost eack UK taxpayer £43 – but at least Bono would finally shut his whiney cake-hole.
…You Murdered Osama Bin Laden While He Was Doing His Shopping In Tesco?
Bad news. “Killing someone in the UK is illegal, no matter who they are,” says a Met Police spokesperson. “You’d be arrested, charged with murder and refused bail.” Worse, by breaking British law, you’d negate the terms of the bounty. So, if found guilty, expect a mandatory life sentence and bugger all of that $25million finders’ fee.
…Archaeolgoists Found Conclusive Proof That Jesus Was Black?
“We know historically that Jesus was a Paletinian Jew,” says Steve Jenkins of the Church of England. “But it wouldn’t matter. He’s the Son of God, that’s what matters.” Indeed. Steve reckons a massive programme of iconographic airbrushing is unlikely – as he says: “It doesn’t make the representation any less accurate: they represent what He is, not who He was.” That said, our C of E buddy does concede that any future pics of JC would change to reflect his new look.
…Daley Thompson Did A Long Jump On Top Of A Moving Train?
“When a train is going over 40pmh,” says mentalist thrill-seeker Richard Croton, “if you run in the direction it’s moving and jump, you end up going backwards in relation to your starting position.” And Daley? “Assuming no wind,” explains biomechanics lecturer, Sarah Goodall, “if he was running against the direction of a train traveling at 50mph, he’d land about 20 metres further down.”
…Big Macs Went On Sale For Tuppence Apiece?
Says Mike Parr, affiliate of the Law and Economics Consultancy Group. “Price promotions and loss leaders come at a price to a company – losses quickly build. For McDonald’s to try and eliminate other fast food franchises through predatory pricing would require deep pockets.’ Very deep: McD’s would be losing between £500,000 and £750,000 a day.
…A Bear And A Lion Were Thrown Together In A Cage?
“There’d be one hell of a fight,” says Ian Turner, Deputy Head Warden at Longleat Safari Park. “A bear would go for a lion straight away – they’re very aggressive. Who wins is down to size. If it was a big brown bear, I’d go for him – a bear’s claws are horrendous. But a honey bear? I’d go for the lion.” According to www.lairweb.org.nz, tigers fare better against lions in an ursine ruckus.
…The UK Was Divided Up Equally Between Its Citizens.
The UK’s total land area is 93,278 square miles – divvy it up amongst the 60 million monkeys who live here and we’d each get a tad under an acre – roughly the size of a football pitch. But don’t expect utopia. Dave Grundy, lecturer at Newcastle Business School explains: “There’d be a polarization between rural areas who will become more communal as they pool labour and resources, and urban areas where a handful of people would control most of the nation’s capital.”
…You Swapped The Rabbit At A Dog Track For A Hairy Coconut?
According to trainer Derek Knight, chasing stuff “comes naturally, but then they are schooled with lures as puppies.” Despite its origins in coursing, track racing has never used real hares as lures. “In the UK we use a windsock,” says Lee Duffy, Deputy Racing Manager at Sheffield’s Owlerton Stadium. “But basically, if a greyhound sees it,” he adds, “they’ll chase it – and that includes a speeding coconut.”
…You Milked A Vole?
Whilst no animal milk is poisonous, some tastes foul. Says mammalian biologist Rosemary Simpson: “Vole milk has got pretty much the same stuff in it (lactose, fats, etc) as any other milk. The only thing that’s different is what makes it.” So if you’re happy to drink milk that’s basically been made from grubs, then sup away. However, “as voles are small, don’t expect more than a couple of ml per vole per milking”. That’s about a dozen just for a cuppa.
…You Arrived At A Murder Scene, Pulled The Knife Out Of The Corpse – And Then The Cops Arrived?
You’re screwed. But Look Chih Wang, solicitor at London-based Fisher Meredith, offers some advice: “Don’t touch anything else; the fewer finger and foot prints linking you with the scene, the better. A forensic pathologist will have an estimated time of death, so having a verifiable alibi for that time period is useful. Plus finding a third person’s DNA on the murder weapon and, importantly, a lack of motive will all be in your favour.”
…A Pub Wanted To Serve Shots of 100% Pure Alcohol.
Due to its potency 100% grain alcohol (ethanol) is classified as a poison, which can’t be sold to the public. Shame – a double would be the equivalent of chugging five whiskies. “It wouldn’t make you drunk any more quickly,” explains toxicologist Mike Coleman of Aston University, “but you would end up spectacularly drunk. It acts like an anaesthetic and can potentially stop you breathing.” Ethanol is also highly flammable, so avoid fags unless you want to explode.