If money were no object…

…you’d spunk the lot of it on colossal quantities of beer, or - worse still - invest your massive stage in a dad-pleasing high-interest bank account. Bugger that - try these instead…

Any idiot can film shaky images of their sweaty lady-fumblings for the price of a crappy camcorder and two bottles of cheap plonk. A professional skin flick, however, is a touch more complicated - and costly. “Talent’s the biggest expense. Our contracted girls receive anywhere from £750 to £3,500 per sex scene with a typical movie having three scenes,” says Brad Hirsch, Marketing Director of Vivid Video (www.vividvideo.com). “We release six videos a month, each one costing anything up to £80,000 to produce.” However, post-production costs - edit suite hire, overdubbing, special effects and titles - can double that price. And then there’s the obligatory launch party. “Remember,” rambles saucy Brad, “it’s all about the girls!”

TOTAL COST: £160,000

With a pathetic 14 of 153 tampon-riddled UK beaches given a grade A standard, and only 57 receiving the Foundation For Environmental Education’s Blue Flag award for cleanliness, it makes sense to simply recreate a more convenient - cleaner - seafront in your back garden. Grayfox Swimming Pools (01427 788682) will install a 12m by 25m pool for £250,000. For a wave machine, try David Hallam Ltd (0114 244 0013) - they’ll be looking for a fat cheque around the £80,000 mark. A bargain some £450 buys the 40 tons of sand needed for a respectable beach from Paul Miller (www.sandandgravel.uk.com), And for that finishing touch, The Big Plant Shop (01823 252 242) supplies artificial palm trees at £79 a pop.

TOTAL COST: £331,240

“You would have to come in for a two-hour sitting,” says Fiona Pirrie of wax masters Madame Tussaud’s, “where the sculptor would take hundreds of measurements and photographs.” A moulder then uses the sculptor’s clay portrait to create a “negative” mould from which your narcissistic head is cast. Finally, hair and colour artists work to tone the “skin”, adding eyes and real human hair - strand by stand - to your freaky bald pate. “The whole process takes about six months and costs forty thousand,” Fiona adds. “And we would expect you to supply your own clothes to dress it.”

TOTAL COST: £40,250

“It’s hideously complex and expensive,” warns Geordie engineer, Steve English. “It could take years because of the land search and surveying you have to go through before you can even start digging. Then you need specialist boring equipment, which will almost certainly have to be made specifically for the job. The make up of the ground can make a massive difference in cost: if it’s something hard like granite, or retains water like London clay, you could spend weeks just boring.” And then? “Then you’ll have to ensure the structural stability of the buildings on the surface above the tunnel. Even if there are no existing pipes or cables that you have to worry about cutting through or re-routing, you’d still be looking at around £50 million. But possibly as much as £300 million. To avoid the hassle of having to actuall walk down your subterranean booze-tube, have a tram line installed. “Our system was £300 million, so expect to pay a quarter of that,” states Wendy Seddon of Sheffield Tram operators Stagecoach Supertram. “And a driver costs £20,000 a year.”

TOTAL COST: Up to £375,000,000

“It would have to be done brick-by-brick as each piece needs to be vat-dipped,” says Peter Crombie of Modern Metal Finishers (01964 671 040). “To prepare the bricks and put a three micron (three ten thousandths of a centimetre) layer of 22.5 carat gold on enough of them to build a fie bedroom detached house would cost £975,453.25p - exclusive of VAT.” Another £70,000 should cover the basic construction of your gaudy pile, although land could cost, “anywhere from an extra £20,000 to £60,000,” according to Ian McCann of Barratt Homes.

TOTAL COST: £1,276,158.16

Unless you’re the Duke of Atholl, who was given special dispensation in 1845, the Armed Forces Act makes it illegal to own an army in peacetime. Never fear, security experts Special Events (0114 279 8888) will build you a bespoke home-security package instead. Operations Director Mark Grant offers: “24 hour close-protection bodyguards, three foot and dog-patrols, infrared and CCTV systems” - all for £548,420 per year plus a one-off installation fee of £250,000. Awesome.

TOTAL COST: £798,420

Environmentally-friendly jade carpeting is a doddle, explains Dominic French of turf kings Clever Sods (07960 465 091). “You’ll need 20 tons of horticultural grit sand to hold the grass roots, then lay a fescue-based turf (as used on bowling greens), at £5 per square metre.” Rob Houghton of Growell Hydroponic (0800 056 1875) recommends a micro-irrigation system for around £1,500 to keep the grass green. “You’ll also need about 30 fluorescent lights, at £90 each.” Hiring a generator to power this energy-sucking set-up costs around £21 a day. And for the ultimate in hands-free mowing, snap up an RL500 Robotic Lawnmower (£749, www.dbelectronics.co.uk).

TOTAL COST: £12,688

“Under the 1981 Zoo Licensing Act,” explains Federation of British Zoos Conservation Co-ordinator Mairead Farrell, “you need to have at least one exotic species and be open for more than seven consecutive days a year to be officially classified as a zoo.” A hefty £158,000 buys a Noah-esque variety starter pack of two rhinos, two tigers, two giraffes and a pair of elephants. Three hundred quid gets you a zebra or an antelope, but gorillas are twenty thousand a piece. Feeding this lot will set you back another £7,973.19 a year. And the price for a pair of bespectacled ‘keepers? A laughable £24,000.

TOTAL COST: £188,973.19

For £25,000, Havenwood Garden Buildings (020 8347 7720) will obligingly supply and erect the daddy of all sheds - a thumping 280 square-foot Sussex Pavilion. Kitting it out with full kitchen equipment and lurid McDonald’s décor will set you back - according to the burger gods’ franchise information pack - anywhere from £225,000 to £500,000. Additionally, £80,000 is needed to acquire the franchise and there’s a further £30,000 to cover mysterious “opening fees”. For that extra bit of authenticity, hire a sullen foreign student to serve behind the counter for £4.50 an hour. Of course, he’ll fail to turn up to work, so sack him.

TOTAL COST: £645,000

Disappointment beckons anyone expecting free access to Jennifer Aniston’s furry friend after a one-stop trip to surgery. “We would turn anyone away who requested to look like somebody else,” explains grumpy Pierre Guillot of The Harley Medical Group. “We can alter the face to an extent, but we can’t alter things like head size or the structure of the face. Unless you already looked like Brad, but, say, with a big nose, it would simply not be possible.” Still convinced the scalpel-wielders can do the business? Then save up £1,500 for a chin tuck, £3,000 for nose reduction and £2,500 to have those floppy, Naz-like ears pinned back.

TOTAL COST: £30,000 plus for a complete overhaul.

According to market research company Whittaker BookTrack, a best-selling paperback shifts around 23,000 copies in a week. First, bash out your turgid prose on a Toshiba Satellite 3000-100 laptop (yours for £1,475, call Toshiba on 01932 828 828). “It costs about £600 to typeset a 300-page book,k and another £500 to design the front cover,” a leading printer reveals to FHM. “Purely to print the book, using standard ‘bulky news print’ (as used in normal paperbacks) paper, is 35p per book.” Then find a suitable location for the launch party; the 250-capacity Park Lane Hotel ballroom is yours for the night for £24,000 - and they have very nice toilets. Finally, buy the entire 23,000 print run of your book at £6.99 RRP and bingo! - straight to the top of the charts.

TOTAL COST: £187,345

The average human trudges a shoe-trashing 200 million metres in their dreary lifetime - equivalent to five times round the world. Which is a serious strip of carpet. After being sent packing by royal carpeters Hugh Mackay for being “anti-royal” and “disrespectful to the Crown”, FHM instead tried High Street flooring emporium Allied Carpets, who said they would happily provide the requisite amount of 80/20 V&A Queen’s Twist for a mere £7,174,000,000. “We always recommend quality underlay, which would be another £1,420,000,000,” says canny sales consultant Toby Kenny. “But we would fit free of charge.”

TOTAL COST: £8.594 billion