ISSUE 141

How to unblock the bog
One kebab too many, and your crapper could wind up more jammed than the Nile in the middle of the tourist season. But don’t turn your bathroom into a yellow boating lake for HMS Log - roll up your sleeves and get busy…
1 “If the water rises in the bowl and then slowly drains away after flushing, then there’s a blockage in the pan or, possibly, the outside drain,” says Sheffield plumber Nick Barnaby, sagely.
2 Take a long-handle plunger and ram it into the bowl, then pump the handle up and down two or three times.
3 If the water level in the toilet doesn’t drop, probe your waste-pipe and U-bend with a flexible drain auger - a kind of bendy pipe - to see if that will get things back to normal.
4 Still no joy? Then you’re going to have to get your external drain cleared, for which you’ll need a drain rod and plunger. Push down as many rods as necessary to shift the troublesome poo.

How to keep pigeons
Though hated by 99 per cent of the population, the loyal pigeon is a quality pet, requiring little attention and making a fine, fine pie filling when you get bored of it…
1 It’s vital to have a decent coop. “They must be kept dry and there’s got to be plenty of air through the lift,” says Harry Searle, pigeon fancier for a phenomenal 85 years.
2 A dusting of lime and sand on the coop floor is important as it will help to make sure that the birds don’t suffer from canker, a repulsive form of ulcer.
3 To buy pigeons, the best place to look is either British Homing World or The Racing Pigeon magazine. Birds cost anything from £15 to £300 each.
4 Pigeons are best fed with tares - which look like small peas and are available from pet shops - and wheat. “And make sure you water them every day - twice a day when it’s hot,” says Harry.
5 Finally, it’s important to have your birds ringed and buy a decent padlock - there’s quite a trade in stolen birds.

How to bury a pet
Dad’s spade was a multifunctional tool - just the thing for twatting burglars, chucking dogshit into the neighbour’s garden and using as an impromptu tennis racquet. You, though, have used yours just the once - to dig a herbaceous border, badly. But now Rover’s looking decidedly unwell. And the old shovel is winking at you from the toolshed…
1 First, make sure your pet is actually dead, rather than just hibernating. Repeated prodding seems to work.
2 Dig a hole in your garden, as far away from any water sources as possible. “This is so that when Fido decays, none of his poisonous effluents are likely to pollute public water sources,” warns vet Simon Mendum.
3 The hole should be at least four feet deep. “You want to avoid the possibility of having the body dug up by a carrion eater such as a fox, which would be unpleasant. It also eliminates the possibility of any unwanted smells,” adds Simon, with a knowing wink.
4 Hold a service for the departed pet - anything brief, expressing loss and a mention of St Francis should suffice - and place a market on the grave to avoid accidentally disturbing your decaying Dachshund when the time comes to offload the family gerbil.

How to kill vermin
For dad, it was a simple matter of introducing Mr Rat to a heavy blow from a lump hammer. But if mum was watching, and he didn’t want to make a mess of the skirting board, he’d do it like this…
1 Spring-loaded mousetraps are still the most effective way off killing rats and mice. “Lace them with chocolate or banana,” says Ian Andrews of pest control giants Terminex.
2 Place the traps at right angles to the skirting board, with the bait end nearest the wall - that way, they’ll ensnare critters scuttling along from either the left or the right.
3 If you catch just a couple off rodents you can dump the bodies in your wheelie bin, otherwise local councils insist they are incinerated, or at least buried two-feet-deep to avoid them being dug up by animals or spreading disease.

How to breed maggots
The squeamish simply buy their wrigglies from their nearest stockist - but the real man grows his own…
1 It’s illegal to breed maggots without a licence, so first swot up on the 1990 Environmental Protection Act, in case the council comes round with handcuffs.
2 Grab yourself some bits of dead animal - either from a knocker’s yard or local butcher’s - and dump the pieces in a tin bath so that your new chums won’t escape.
3 Let the meat decompose naturally of direct sunlight. Hungry flies will descend in their thousands and in a matter of days, maggots - the pupal form of flies - will start appearing. “When the carcass starts to twitch, that’s a sure sign that you’ve got maggots,” enthuses angler Stuart Nixon.
4 Scoop up the wrigglers and put them in plastic containers with air holes. “Keep them in the fridge,” says tackle shop proprietor Gary Wait. “That slows their metabolism down. They’ll keep for up to a month before turning into chrysalises.”